After Hope, Guilt is the Worst Emotion

So I've been wanting to write for ages, desperate to get everything off my chest, but haven't... well I'm not sure why. One technique that worked was I wrote (as in paper and pen, impressive eh!? ;) ) letters to everyone I needed to talk to. Everyone that upset me or didnt upset me I wrote to and then I hid them under my bed with the rest of my feelings.

So whats changed I hear you ask, you invisible non-reader?

Well I haven't seen SB in ages and although H still likes him (after a year and a half!) he's pretty much out of out lives.
CC and I broke up. And then yesterday it snowed. And he came round. And we got together again but only as friends with benefit which is brill.
I tried for the academic scholarship alongside my best friend. This is the meaning of the title of this entry. I hoped. I got my hopes so high that when I didnt get it I came crashing down, like a Tsunami on the shore. And hell, I caused about the same amount of damage, but only to myself. I congratulated Vicky and then walked off. I burst into tears in front of a girl called Pippa. Pippa has seen me angry, happy, excited, funny and completely in control at all times. She has never seen me cry. I hide it from my year because I need to be strong there. But I broke. I went off to an area in my school called the millenium centre and stayed sitting in silence in an empty auditorium for ages. I felt guilty that I couldnt just be happy for Vicky and then carry on. But I couldnt
I hate a girl called O and a girl called J. They are both black and O is American. This is not why I dislike them. They are both cocky, ignorant, racist and mean. They make everything about their race. If you ask them (if anyone  inclusing teachers) asks them to do something they are all "Is it because Im black tho. Im not sum sorta slave tho init?" Stupid bitches.
Not getting the scholarship brought out a bad side in me. A rebellious side. I still feel it and it scares me. Nothing matters at school anymore. I want to get sent to the heads office to show her what shes done to me. I did mocks last week and didnt revise, didnt think. Nothing. I got highest mark in my maths class and 2 highest history mark in the year. I got an A in Chemistry. They are all the results I have. I could have done better. However, with no revision Im pleased but its a cocky pleased. Its not a nice pleased its a "fuck you school see Im good" pleased.
I realised in mocks that we have got out of the habit of thinking. I put my head on the desk and could almost feel that I was using such a small amount of brainpower that it wasnt worth using. We arent expected to think we are expected to be parrots; learn off my heart and repeat again and again and again. I tried thinking in my RE exam and I was bloody clever! The amount that I thought and knew and remembered was amazing, I just dont ever do it. Im going to try and think but it takes too much effort. I just wish Id remembered how to do it before the scholarship exam...
If fallen in crush with my teacher. Hes not even the fit young teacher. Hes middle age and married. However, PY complements me, makes me feel special. He sees Im clever and he is aswell. Hes a drama teacher and if anyone reads this Im screwed. Obviousley nothing is going to happen but still... :S
IM is still on the scene. Still a bisexual crush after 5 years or so. She has shown an interest in being a friend now, she flirts with me to make me uncomfortable. I dont know why she has this effect on me but she grabs my hand or hugs me and my heart just goes mental. Its wierd.
Speaking of being bi, still havent come out yet. I never lie. I never say Im straight or gay and I never deny being bi. Yesterday a guy called H asked me straight out. I giggled. I think he knows. I think deep down everyone knows, they just dont want to say it. I dont think coming out would fix their homophobia so Ill just leave it. Im not afraid of being bullied, just of scaring off those I love.
My most homophobic friend is called Liv. Unfortunately, she has become my best friend. I have a guy best friend called Andrew who I love to bits and hope it doesnt turn into a crush because I love being friends with him. But Vicky and I split in public. When we are alone together (what an oxymoron) we are close as anything (except I dont jump on her the same as my other friends...) but with our other friends we always fight. Everything she does in public annoys me. I dont want to lose her but I am closer to Liv now.
Ive been tense with Mum but am so close to Nan. Dad and I get on mostly.
Leaving RAF camp was one of the worst times of my life but I loved the people I met there. Im looking forward to Borneo next year and hopefully going for an RAF gliding scholarship. There with the hope again :S
Im back with the weight thing but its more subtle. My matra is "nothing tastes as good as feeling skinny" which is good but mum keeps feeding me and i cant decline or she'd get suspicious.
I leave you with the idea of tiredness. Are we tired from lack of sleep or tired from lack of ... well what is the oppostie of disapointment? It doesnt exist. After hope, one of the most painful and engulfing emotions, always comes disapointment. Nothing ever lives up to expectations and I think thats what we are tired of.

Love
xx