Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words can rip my heart out.

Im the epitome of a screw up. If Im good then Im not noticed. People dont see me, I blend in. If im a bitch then people notice me, laugh with me, get hurt by me. If Im bad, if I do stuff that I wouldnt do, then it gets highlighted. Chucked into the open, just far enough that everyone gets a glimpse of the me I could become, the me I avoid whenever I get the chance.
Im 14. Im a stupid little baby, not worth anything. Ive been told this so much recently. Im an ugly fuck up, fat whore. Whats the point of fucking around trying to make people happy, trying to rebel just that little bit, trying to have some fun.
Thursday I get an email from this girl who I love (as as friend) and she tells me how much she loves one of the guys who Im really good friends with. Saturday I gatecrash a party. Never before and never again, got off with a random drunk stranger. He thinks Im an ugly slut. Sunday morning, met up with my guy friend. Got off with him. Stupid bitchy slut. She really likes him. I love him, but not in that way.
Im not girlfriend material. I never will be. Ive been trying to cry all day, its pathetic and it hurts. Then I resorted to the lowest. I watched. Anything, tv movies, it all makes me cry. Skins. Series 2. Penultimate episode. Chris dies. Cassie runs. Jas goes for an abortion. The crying was like an orgasm. I mean... I dont know too much, only what I know from... well. Anyway, Its been building up. I used to cry all the time. Not cry baby, but Id cry with laughter, with sadness, for others, with movies, with adverts, at songs. Then it stopped. Then I got sad. When you are happy then you can cry because everything seems worse than your life. When you are sad then it just escalates.


You know, if you put a frog in boiling water then it jumps out. If you put a frog in cold water and heat it gently to boiling then it dies.

Thats what its like. Its like when you just get worse and worse, and then its gone.

The photos of me and this guy are on facebook. Surprise surprise. Worthless Slut. That should be the tag. Im too scared to watch the last episode of Skins. When I watch it.. its finished. Thats the end. The characters have left, its the end of their lives from mine. Im not sure how much more i can handle. Im not suicidal. One of my friends... she says suicides a waste of government money that kept you alive. I dont care about me. I dont care if I live or die. If I live then Im not dead and if I die then I dont know. My friends do. My relatives do. I dont care if they hate me sometimes, or what they think of me. Until Ive met everybody in the world and they dont like me, then Im not giving up. Not ever.

Im not going to let you down. However hard it is. We are studying poetry in English. I love it. But I dont like analysing it. Its amazing, all these poems, tucked away in dusty old books, discovered, published, examined, tested. Every word analysed in detail. No one believes that people put a word into a poem because it rhymes. Using violet instead of purple is not meant to sygnify the poets sombre relation with the colour purple and yet portray violet as the softer and more gently style of life. Its because nothing fucking rhymes with purple.

Fuck It. Im giving up swearing for advent. Maybe. I should. Im giving up eating aswell. Well I want to. Im scared though. Ill eat advent caledender but I havent been hungry in weeks. Ive eaten more than I usually do, full 4 course meals. Im never hungry. I want to be hungry. Its only my mind telling me to eat. Ever. I just want to be hungry. and sad. I want to be the girl that can brighten up everybody elses day even if she cant brighten up her own. Problem is, if everyones happy then you are the odd one out. but no ones ever happy. It just a smile. Just teeth and muscles.

xxx