Near Death Experience

Hey, ok so I just had CCF and literally got so scared. We were doing kayaking, and im normally fine. We were using spray decks for the first time and I was fine until it came to partner rescue. Im an only child so maybe that affects my trust, or maybe not. I barely new my chubby male partner, and he said he was ready so I capsized. I can hold my breath for quite a while, so I did the bang three times and wave arms. A while later I feel him grab my hand and then drop it. I waited and lost all my oxygen, panicked and twisted my body in a way i didnt know was possible to get some air. I dived out.
I got out of the water and Jamie my NCO who I love so much as a friend but he is quite cute :P, but nooo nothing will happen there!, was really nice but obviously shocked cause he hadn't seen what had happened and then he always sees me confident and controlled and i basically hid it for a minute and walked very calmly over to hattie who was standing at the side not swimming because of her monthly, and I promptly start crying. Great.
Jamie by the way was in a vest top, boxers and white trunks. Therefore he wasnt going to go into the water because he had no other boxers. He comes over when Im almost calmed down and tells me that he is going to save me himself so I know im safe. He told me to trust him, and I do, honestly with my life as i proved.
I got back into to the kayak and got into the water. Jamie gets in, meaning he basically had no dry boxers, which got me choked up that hed do that much for me, cause I think that is quite a big deal... and I look up to the side. I saw all my friends waiting, some in the water, some just off. They said that if I got panicked they would all be in to save me. So then I span, and it was awful, but Jamie grabbed my hand, and the boat, and tipped me upright. Then he drags me to the side and all my friends were hugging me and looking after me. Then Jamie gets in the kayak and tells me to rescue him. I was so nervous that I was gunna cock it up, and I did. I got him halfway and then failed, but he did a calm self release. I was so sorry but he got back in, got in the water and told me to try again. i said no, so he said well id you dont save me, no one will, and capsized.
Obviously I jumped in and saved him, and it worked this time :D He gave me a high five. It meant more that you'd think.
I hid any emotions of shock or sadness, because in truth i was still so scared, and had all the jokes in the girls changing room, joining in with all the film talk and laughs. It felt so good. I went outside and Hattie gave me such a moving speech that I choked up again, and then hid it back down, did a load of goodbye hugs and walked to the car.
I share lifts with Matthew and Becky. Becky is one of my best friends, Matthew is not. It was his Dads turn to pick up, and Becky is in army not RAF so didnt know what had happened. She knew something was wrong and asked and as i was telling the story it all came flooding back (no pun intended :P ) and i burst into bloody tears again. Gulp them down and when I got home dad kinda didnt really look at me and just said hi, how are you? I was like, yep good thanks, going for a shower.
In the shower I completely broke down. I was sobbing, light headed, about to throw up, it was awful. I was also freezing and so ended up with the shower on the fullest temperature it goes to.
I got into bed and wrote this. I still cant master the fact that my friends were so there for me. I've always loved them so much, but this was different. This meant it was obvious. Tears again now, im so emotional today!

Ok, going now, tired after all the stress.
xxxxx