Embarrassment - Whole new level. Ok so since going to 2nd (not a big deal) with CC Ive had a few people tease me (joke) at school. Im not upset, its just a laugh and I dont care. Except, today in science M comes up to me, bright red and acting embarrassed. She asks how I know CC and seems agitated, like she knows him. And then she was like... "last year, I was drunk... we were at this party" and all I could think was a) OMG she cant know him, b) He would have mentioned it and c) does that mean Ive been getting off with her when Ive been getting off with CC. And I swear to God that was exactly what I wanted to hear.
This scares me, it really does. I practically revolve my day around her, Ill do anything for her. Im selling food for a fundraiser and I dont do freebies for friends, best friends, anyone. And she comes in and asks for a freebie and I give her a sherbet stick. No questions asked, its just Im so enamored by her that I cant handle her being in the same room as me.
Also, still randomly stalking Sir Broccoli, because I am in lust with him. My friend summed it up :
Sir B is what I want, but CC is what I need.
What I dont understand is why I cant want what I need and need what I want. This blog scares me aswell by the way. The fact that if a friend found it they would know all my deepest darkest secrets mean I am at such risk. Its dangerous. Physically dangerous. Because if this was found... well I dont know what would happen. It would get spread, and printed, and found, and ...
You get my drift. I only hope anyone who knows me well enough to know the people in my stories love me as much as I love them and wouldnt publish it. Because I wouldnt be able to keep going if that happened.
Right, Im off. I finished my book (the one I wrote about) and the sense of satisfaction was immense. The next in the series will begin reading tomorrow :)
xxx
Monday 26 April 2010
Monday 19 April 2010
M
Right the majority of this post will be about M. The girl I like. Shes in a completely different social group, I dont speak to her. Its impossible that she could find this blog. Except...
Well I mention her alot. I saw her for the first time in 3 weeks today and my God shes stuning. Thing is, she came up and hugged me ( :o *scream* ) in front of loads of my friends and was being odd - asking me (I think sarcastically) to come and sleep over in London with her and go to partys with her. I mean, it was a joke on my part but I wonder if she suspects something.
Thing is, Im not gunna stop liking her because just imagine for a minute she liked me. I mean Im sure she doesnt, shes straight and I know it, but shes not a slag like most of her group and... and well my heart stops and I go red (and I mean proper red!) everytime she speaks to me. I remember every conversation, every joke, every laugh. She wrote me a not once, a kind of joke, and I still have it. That was ages ago. Shes just so... well shes so amazing.
Not much else to say really. 3 A*s in GCSE science :) Top mark in drama mock :D and okish mark in history :S Im lying to Dad and saying we havent done a maths test because I got a bad mark. I feel guilty but cest la vie.
Im so nervous about M. I dont know why shes... well why shes talking to me I suppose. Does she suspect me? Dear God, I love CC in a friends with benefits way. When I see Sir Brocolli Im in lust with him, I go all girly but it wont last forever. With M I dunno, its just... different. Its exciting and new and scary and...
I guess I just like things I cant have. I like teachers and 6th formers and girls in the wrong social group just because then its not my fault that I cant have them. Its like in Glee, when she likes the teacher. It because if he doesnt like her back she cant blame herself, she blames him and his wife and his job. Its not her fault. Thats the thing with me I think... I dont want to feel like Im not good enough so I pick people who wont make me wonder whats wrong with *me*.
Im really weird.
www.postpals.co.uk --- If you get a chance visit it and send a letter. Every little helps :)
xxx
Well I mention her alot. I saw her for the first time in 3 weeks today and my God shes stuning. Thing is, she came up and hugged me ( :o *scream* ) in front of loads of my friends and was being odd - asking me (I think sarcastically) to come and sleep over in London with her and go to partys with her. I mean, it was a joke on my part but I wonder if she suspects something.
Thing is, Im not gunna stop liking her because just imagine for a minute she liked me. I mean Im sure she doesnt, shes straight and I know it, but shes not a slag like most of her group and... and well my heart stops and I go red (and I mean proper red!) everytime she speaks to me. I remember every conversation, every joke, every laugh. She wrote me a not once, a kind of joke, and I still have it. That was ages ago. Shes just so... well shes so amazing.
Not much else to say really. 3 A*s in GCSE science :) Top mark in drama mock :D and okish mark in history :S Im lying to Dad and saying we havent done a maths test because I got a bad mark. I feel guilty but cest la vie.
Im so nervous about M. I dont know why shes... well why shes talking to me I suppose. Does she suspect me? Dear God, I love CC in a friends with benefits way. When I see Sir Brocolli Im in lust with him, I go all girly but it wont last forever. With M I dunno, its just... different. Its exciting and new and scary and...
I guess I just like things I cant have. I like teachers and 6th formers and girls in the wrong social group just because then its not my fault that I cant have them. Its like in Glee, when she likes the teacher. It because if he doesnt like her back she cant blame herself, she blames him and his wife and his job. Its not her fault. Thats the thing with me I think... I dont want to feel like Im not good enough so I pick people who wont make me wonder whats wrong with *me*.
Im really weird.
www.postpals.co.uk --- If you get a chance visit it and send a letter. Every little helps :)
xxx
Friday 16 April 2010
Philophobia
Definition : The fear of loving, or being loved.
I discovered this and melted a little bit.
xxx
I discovered this and melted a little bit.
xxx
Stealing
Ive grown up with ample money, and Im not spoilt but I am very very lucky. My parents are sensible. If I say I want a top and I want it now because its pretty, I dont get it. If I find a top, try it on, check the price and make sure I really want it and not something else then normally I can have it :)
Because of this, Ive never even thought about theft. People laugh at me (nicely). "You too scared to nick something from Primark?!" ... but Im not too scared, I just dont see the point.
Dads been off work for ages now, and Mum only works a few hours a week. My school fees are bloody expensive and Im taking a £3500 trip to Borneo next year which I need to make the money for and if I dont they need to pay the difference.Obviously, money is a big thing on my mind at the moment.
The reason for all the build up is that I went to croydon with a friend yesterday. Fi. She goes on about her family being poor, but she does round the world cruises, new houses and she spent over £200 on our little trip. I spent £20 and borrowed some for lunch. I felt guilty. But the thing is, we went to House of Fraser to get some Jelly Beans. Little bag, no staff around. It would have been so easy just to put them in my bag and wander off. Its basically empty and there was no one on checkouts or watching out. We went to a clothes shop and it was so tempting just to slip a nice top in my bag. I honestly thought I was going to, it was only at the last minute I changed my mind, and I dont know how obvious that was...
It worries me that Id go against what I think is right and wrong so easily. ... I hope I can snap out of this.
Anyway, Ive had about 4 hours sleep in the last 48 hours (no exaggeration - promise) but I did manage to get that Spanish project and drama essay done. Go me.
Ah well, speak soon. Maybe. Ive been writing more recently. How odd. :)
Loves
xxx
Because of this, Ive never even thought about theft. People laugh at me (nicely). "You too scared to nick something from Primark?!" ... but Im not too scared, I just dont see the point.
Dads been off work for ages now, and Mum only works a few hours a week. My school fees are bloody expensive and Im taking a £3500 trip to Borneo next year which I need to make the money for and if I dont they need to pay the difference.Obviously, money is a big thing on my mind at the moment.
The reason for all the build up is that I went to croydon with a friend yesterday. Fi. She goes on about her family being poor, but she does round the world cruises, new houses and she spent over £200 on our little trip. I spent £20 and borrowed some for lunch. I felt guilty. But the thing is, we went to House of Fraser to get some Jelly Beans. Little bag, no staff around. It would have been so easy just to put them in my bag and wander off. Its basically empty and there was no one on checkouts or watching out. We went to a clothes shop and it was so tempting just to slip a nice top in my bag. I honestly thought I was going to, it was only at the last minute I changed my mind, and I dont know how obvious that was...
It worries me that Id go against what I think is right and wrong so easily. ... I hope I can snap out of this.
Anyway, Ive had about 4 hours sleep in the last 48 hours (no exaggeration - promise) but I did manage to get that Spanish project and drama essay done. Go me.
Ah well, speak soon. Maybe. Ive been writing more recently. How odd. :)
Loves
xxx
Thursday 15 April 2010
Good Morning
Slightly odd due to the fact that its 3.30 and Ive spent the last hour trying to fix this bloody laptop and make it turn on. So. Whats happening?
Well one thing is that I am currently squished on a sofa with Fi on one end snoring (shes been asleep for about 4 hours to be fair). Ive watched friends, jonas and the boat that rocked. I feel very fat, we've had McDonalds. Shakeaway, Yo Sushi, Krispy Kreme, Ben&Jerrys, a pizza... and the list goes on.
Mind you, at out old school Fi was not very pretty, but now (and i say this regardless of sexual orientation) she is. Fit. Its weird, she has huge tits and a small waist, shorter but it suits her. Pretty face and cool hair, and I am immensly jealous. Whats quite nice though is that Im not attracted to her. I mean, I know shes hot and I definately would, but I dont like her like that. Odd.
So I saw C today for a bit, with Fi. Very useful, because although we didnt do anything I think he might actually like me. Well, no but meh. I have worked out though that he knows B and Fi of all of my friends. B may try and steal him from me, I know she kind of likes him but i had bagsied him. Fi wont, and Im so glad she approves of him (so to speak) because it makes me more confident because of my appauling taste in guys.
I am too nervous to let him meet any of my other friends though. If Fi or B turned on the charms they could get him away from me easily, but I dont *think* they would. My other friends, some of whom are less confident around guys, are stunning. If they liked him they would have him from me in 20 seconds, I know it. So Im too scared. I mean, I tried on a dress today and it looked alright, among the other 10 that looked hideous. Me and Fi did that girly thing where you swap dresses and she looked awesome in it. Its so upsetting that Im alright. If I was *bad* then I could complain and not annoy people. If I was *good* then I wouldnt need to. But Im average. Just below it. Im not skinny or fat, im average. Im not pretty or ugly, Im average. Im not blonde or brunette, Im in the middle. Its awful!!!
I dunno, I guess I do kind of like C. Which I didnt expect. Hes much more relationshippy than me and I still have a thing for Sir Broccoli. Grrrr I dont know why, I havent spoken to him in ages. Im so confused.
I thought I had my sleeping pattern sorted, but obviously not. Im just gunna have to improvise. And try and get some work done tomorrow once Fi has gone home.
Love. xxx
PS. One point of interest. Went to Ann Summers today with Fi. Bloody hell its expensive! Im so broke, I cant afford Macdonalds at the moment, and yet Fi has her card and spent hundreds today. Literally. Hundreds. Looking at everything from costumes to toys to lingerie, couldnt believe the price, but Oh I was tempted. It would be useful to have something...
anyway. Oh yeah, I finally got a condom from Fi. I want to go on the pill but Im too nervous with mum at the moment, Im not really in the mood for *deep chats*. At least Im prepared. To be honest, I feel so stupid. I like C but hes not in a hurry to lose it. and Sir Broccoli... well alright. He shotgunned my virginity. What the hell?! I know, it wasnt serious, purely joke, but I like the idea of him being my first. I think Id rather he was my first... but I dunno. Maybe I trust Callum more.
I dont even know if either of them like me in any way shape or form.
PPS. I dont know if you remember A (AP) my friend from the party we "crashed" but I still havent spoken to him. I miss him. Its really upsetting actually.
Ok. Bye. At last.
xxx
PPPS. Why dont I have this energy and writing patience for GCSE drama?!
zzzzzzzz
xxxxxxx
Wednesday 14 April 2010
I hate Computers
Ok so I know this post is the epitome of irony but I have to make my point. Even though I am typing on a computer, sometimes something happens to make me remember just how much I hate them. Not shutting down or the blue screen of death or anything, but mainly stuff in real life. Reality. Shocker.
Here's what happened. Normally I spend all night on the computer. Exaggeration I hear you ask? Unfortunately no. From about 6pm to 3am (So 9 HOURS a day) Im on the computer. Not even studying, which would be useful. Im watching bbc iplayer, trawling through 200 pages of "failblog" and "graphjam"... even the voting pages. Tumblr and blogspots, reading about people who have as much spare time as me to write weird entrys.
Yesterday, I got tired, so I put down my laptop and picked up a book Mum had bought me the other day. 'Succubus Blues'. I read half way and then put it down. It was amazing. This sounds so corny but its so *nice* ti settle down with a book and forget facebook etc. I open facebook everytime I walk into my room. That is alot of times. 9 times out of 10, nothing changes. Go me. And my social life.
Obviousley, I know computers are great for working, and the occasional movie or catch up with mates, but I am going to try to avoid it a bit more. Its just so annoying!
Nothing particularly interesting has happened recently. I passed Grade 5 cornet. Go me. I have 3 days before going back to school and need to do a Spanish project and a Drama essay. And I have friends over all today and tomorrow. Oops.
Lovelife wise, (isnt it funny how we call it a lovelife and yet I refuse to fall in love) nothing much. Me and CC got a bit closer (in all respects) but havent spoken to JH. Its been a weird holiday not seeing M, but probably good for me. I stalk her on facebook sometimes though. Just the pictures. Wow.
Meh, alright. Im off to Croydon to meet a friend now :) Will write soon. Probably. Well no, lets face it, I probably wont as usual, but Ill pretend I mean to.
Love :)
Me in a better mood xxx
Here's what happened. Normally I spend all night on the computer. Exaggeration I hear you ask? Unfortunately no. From about 6pm to 3am (So 9 HOURS a day) Im on the computer. Not even studying, which would be useful. Im watching bbc iplayer, trawling through 200 pages of "failblog" and "graphjam"... even the voting pages. Tumblr and blogspots, reading about people who have as much spare time as me to write weird entrys.
Yesterday, I got tired, so I put down my laptop and picked up a book Mum had bought me the other day. 'Succubus Blues'. I read half way and then put it down. It was amazing. This sounds so corny but its so *nice* ti settle down with a book and forget facebook etc. I open facebook everytime I walk into my room. That is alot of times. 9 times out of 10, nothing changes. Go me. And my social life.
Obviousley, I know computers are great for working, and the occasional movie or catch up with mates, but I am going to try to avoid it a bit more. Its just so annoying!
Nothing particularly interesting has happened recently. I passed Grade 5 cornet. Go me. I have 3 days before going back to school and need to do a Spanish project and a Drama essay. And I have friends over all today and tomorrow. Oops.
Lovelife wise, (isnt it funny how we call it a lovelife and yet I refuse to fall in love) nothing much. Me and CC got a bit closer (in all respects) but havent spoken to JH. Its been a weird holiday not seeing M, but probably good for me. I stalk her on facebook sometimes though. Just the pictures. Wow.
Meh, alright. Im off to Croydon to meet a friend now :) Will write soon. Probably. Well no, lets face it, I probably wont as usual, but Ill pretend I mean to.
Love :)
Me in a better mood xxx
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